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I don’t understand bullying. Why deliberately set out to hurt someone? And why is it a behavior seen too often in children?
One of my earliest memories is of a shiny little red purse I had at about age 4. I dropped the purse and the few coins I had in it spilled out. An older girl quickly picked up the change and then laughed because she had taken it from me.
I tutor second grade children and some of them have confided in me about times they were bullied. One child, in running away from the one spouting hurtful words, fell and broke her arm.
My daughter had her share of bullying in school. There was one classmate in particular who bullied and I tried talking to the mother. She simply dismissed it, saying she knew her daughter would not do such a thing. It continued, of course. Only when Kristi’s dad went to the child’s father and very firmly insisted he deal with his daughter, did the bullying stop.
Why do children bully? It may come from having been physically or emotionally abused. It could be that one of the parents is a bully and the child is acting out what has been seen at home. It may also be from feeling left out at home, school, or other social event and the individual is being a bully to get attention.
Research says that bullying begins at preschool age and, if not addressed, worsens through the school years. A bully left undisciplined will be attracted to gangs and a high percentage of bullies become criminals by their mid-twenties. It is not a conduct to be taken lightly, or to assume a child will grow out of the overly aggressive behavior on their own.
What can be done to protect children from being bullied? Here are suggestions from “Psychology Today” (www.psycholgytoday.com):
- Avoid the bully
- Use a buddy system (stay near a friend or two)
- Hold your anger and don’t retaliate; that is exactly what the bully wants to provoke
- Maintain eye contact and keep your voice calm and even
- Use the bully’s name when addressing their behavior
- Act bravely by walking away; try to ignore the bully
- Tell an adult early on. This is not tattling but is what the bully will try to make you think it is.
- Talk about it with a parent or older person who will give you support and love.
My heart aches for any child being bullied, but I also ache for the one who bullies, because I know that a child who continuously bullies is broken. Something very deep-seated is hurting in any individual who wishes harm or ridicule for another. It may not be easy, but as followers of Christ, we must remember to pray for the one who bullies, as well as for the one being bullied. Prayer is a mighty weapon; I know of one case where prayer alone turned a situation around.
This topic is near to my heart, as I wrote about bullying in my book, Just Claire. This is a very serious problem in our schools. Thanks for sharing, Pat.
Thank you, Jean. I am not set up to read e-books, but when I get someone to help me with that function, I will definitely read “Just Claire.” That is one of my favorite girls’ names, by the way.
It’s a terrible thing and operates throughout society and between nations too, but you are right to say it should be challenged in children. I wonder, though, if “stand up and fight” could be added to the list as an option. My husband was bullied at school because he had a physical disability. His mother told him to stand up for himself so next time it happened he punched the bully on the nose. The bully ran off and didn’t appear at school the following day. My husband was very much afraid he’d killed him 🙂 Of course he hadn’t, and the bullying stopped. It may be the last resort but is worthy of a mention. And those who are strong should be encouraged to protect those who are weak, as in “Tom Brown’s Schooldays” by Matthew Arnold, where Tom was appointed friend and protector of Arthur.
I think “stand up and fight” is a very good response for boys. My daughter’s first grade teacher told me I needed to teach Kristi to push back when she noticed classmates taking advantage of her. But her day school teacher and I had spent those preschool years teaching her to be nice and not fight and so it was in conflict with us. I’ve seen too many mothers who excuse it as part of growing up and that is so wrong.
I really enjoyed reading your post, thank you.